I didn't know . . .

I didn’t know that there would be days when wiping away tears was a futile gesture

I didn’t know that the tears that drop into the soup or onto the freshly-washed sheets or into the soapy dishwater would become so familiar

I didn’t know that there was pain so deep that I cannot find the other side

I didn’t know that watching him fight his battle, deny his pain, smile through his days would render me immobile for a full day at a time

I didn’t know that the strength I gather to enable me to speak to loved ones would sometimes – without warning – fail me

I didn’t know that watching his dad reading a book would bring me such pleasure at his momentary escape

I didn’t know that hearing his dad moan “Oh nooo” and cover his face when the book failed him and his son’s dying face appeared to him again would create pain that will be in my soul forever

I didn’t know that some mornings I would awaken with my face wet with silent tears

I didn’t know that watching his mother’s strength and sharing her tears would make me love her

I didn’t know that the band of grief around my chest would sometimes make it hard for me to breathe

I didn’t know that sharing a laugh with Alan and Gayle and Lew at dinner would ease that band, and for just a few seconds we would feel what -- maybe normal?

I didn’t know that joining with Gayle to put pretty flowers and small candles on a tiny table in his hospital room for their anniversary would be more satisfying than making a party for hundreds

I didn’t know that sometimes Alan and I, or Gayle and I, or Lew and I would turn blindly into one another’s arms to cry

I didn’t know that the sunshine in Blake’s smile would someday go away

I didn’t know that hearing Gayle say, “The light has gone out of his eyes,” would bring me not only despair, but also resignation

I didn’t know that there would be a time when Blake’s only desire would be the presence of his wife and his parents, and even though that excluded me, I knew it was right and I was at peace with that

I didn’t know that my grief was for Blake’s suffering, and that when the suffering was done, the pain in my chest would be just a shadow of itself

I didn’t know that when Blake’s spirit soared free, my healing would come with stroking his poor ravaged body – arms, face, tummy – and with rediscovering the awful assault of his terrible disease

I didn’t know that Blake’s freed spirit would enfold us so gently and with so much love, and would free us, too, from the agonizing anguish we felt when we lost him

I didn’t know that I would ever smile again remembering this beautiful man who was loaned to us just long enough to teach us his capacity for joy and his love of life

I didn’t know that with his death he would strengthen our family’s love and create for us new bonds of love with people he himself had loved

I didn’t know that both his unquenchable spirit in life and his heroic spirit in dying would comfort us and help us to let him go

I didn’t know that his life was such an irreplaceable gift and that my memory of him would bring me peace

I didn’t know I loved him so deeply and so strongly and that I would have the blessed opportunity to tell him so and that I would know that he heard me and that he took that with him

. . . . but now I know.